damage by self

"i treated myself
like i knew i would
i told you
i was trouble
you know i'm no damn good..."

-amy winehouse

it's amazing how you can destroy yourself in the absence of anything else doing it for you. it's a self-destructive pattern a *lot* of women have. some do it physically (cutters, ana's, overeaters) and some mentally (involvement with dangerous people, emotional distancing, or plain old un-ending sadness).

here's an aspect of submission i didn't expect: the loss of the need to self-destruct. perhaps that's getting closer to my non-sexual reasons for submission, and also closer to why i'm attracted to and respond very well to this TPE-like situation i'm in. it makes me think a lot about the post BDSM-IV, wherein it's discussed the sometimes-beneficial aspects of what would otherwise be a certain pathology.

i wonder if i'm substituting punishment by way of my dominant for the punishment i'd be giving to myself for my own perceived errors. in a way, it's taking something inherently damaging and negative about my psychology, and turning it back around into something positive, through both the eroticization of it and the resolution (which i'd never be able to give myself).

my dominant says i seem to live in gumby's backwards world - where everything that's wrong, is right.