Saturday, November 21, 2009

happy isn't interesting

and we all have our tragedies. some are bigger than others.

i have tragedies and sadness on my mind tonight. nothing personal, you understand. but i'm drawn to it, i fear it. the car crash true crime mindscapes that hide in the gray matter in our heads. not the drama - that isn't what i mean. those are false tragedies: pretend incidents we use to pin-prick ourselves to remind ourselves we're alive. an experimental pinpricker is not a cutter, you see.


funny how i can get from tragedies to incidental pain to sex.

my mind works like that.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


not much to say - status quo reigns here.

i'll be privatizing this blog shortly (like, within a day or so) - too many reasons to list. i may be able to come back to this sometime, but it isn't now.

want access to it? send me an email.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thursday, June 11, 2009


is it strange that i don't need a lot of people in my life?

there's a few folks scattered around who matter to me. i live with the most important of them, but i can count only a few more on one hand. i used to have a career where i was constantly in personal contact with hundreds of people. i feel like those days i was living in some sort of fog. my memory of it brings the words "survival instinct" to mind - my home life was going to shit, and i spent hours and hours at work: partly in avoidance of home, but also because it brought a numbing effect to my life, which i desperately needed at the time. but even then, i needed the constant interactions for a reason other than companionship.

i am not an extrovert. i suppose that's putting it mildly. i've been known to have agoraphobic incidents, but i've mostly squelched those. it's not like i'm unfriendly at public events, but i'm horribly shy, tongue tied, and often overwhelmed.

i'm happy to go to a movie by myself.

i love driving long trips and listening to the radio.

i could spend days on the property and never see another soul and not even realize it.

i don't know a lot of other people like this.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

a little something

a possible play date has come up in the kinda-near future.

part of the complications of being poly is that - well - it's somewhat difficult to find poly people with whom you'd actually like to become involved with. anyone out there who's poly is probably saying "ya think?" finding my way through the mire of the different definitions ("open", "poly", "slut", "etc") has been an ongoing challenge. i gave up a long time ago, and began using the term "polyamorous" because it seemed as close as i could get to what i was talking about.

i don't make the decisions regarding sex in my relationship with my owner. not when i have it, not how i have it, not with whom. i suppose i have some input, and i certainly have opinions, but ultimately, it's not up to me. as a result, i've ended up in some sexual situations in which i was pleased as punch, and in others where it kinda sucked.

but the possible one upcoming has me nervous. the last time we met with this person, i almost-barely survived. okay, that's not literal, but it felt like it at the time. while my owner scares me in a primal way that only he knows how to accomplish, this person scares me - differently. physically. i've tried to articulate it before, but i can't quite seem to come up with the right words.

he is not my owner, but he does care about me. those are two separate things. he is not my owner, so his personal obligation towards keeping the property intact, healthy, and humming along smoothly, is non-existent. he may very well care about those things, but because he cares about me as a person, a friend. but as a dominant, it's not his problem.

he's there for the show.

it's turning over in the pit of my stomach with a sickly twist like nausea, but my mind's eye sees it coming like a car crash that i can't wait to see.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


(my response to a hefty post regarding love and debasement and their possible co-existence):

i'm not sure why degradation or humiliation is, as some have mentioned here, any different from other variations of bdsm some of us engage in. one person's abuse is another person's kink. i do understand why you might have hesitation in engaging in it - it's pretty taboo in society at large, and knowing that it's consensual sometimes makes it do-able.

but the same could be said for daddy/girl play. or "rape" play (otherwise known as "forced sex play. whatever.)

the real question, i think, comes up if (like some of us here) you don't normally engage in role play activity with your partner. if you don't normally do role play, then i imagine it's hard to separate "pretend" abuse from "real" debasement (which in some minds can equal abuse). and then the next question becomes,

"is it okay to really debase and/or humiliate someone?"

we've all arrived in our places here in fetlife because of biology/context/environment with our kinks in place. for whatever reason, some people are turned on by being humiliated and debased for real. if this is a healthy practice or not becomes a wholly different question (and not one you're actually asking). but for the record, kinky activities of any risky type can be done either healthily or unhealthily. depends on the people involved not the kink itself.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

fear, and where it lives

i'm not shy about saying that i am actively afraid of my owner. i am not afraid of my own strength, my own emotions, or my own ability to make sound decisions, but i am sometimes afraid of him. not his decisions, or his emotions, but his strength - both physical and emotional.

i am afraid of consequences if i fuck up. this is primarily why i try not to fuck up. i wish i could say it was only because i live to serve, or because i'm a "born slave", but really, it's a lot because i'm scared of him.

it's not like he's given me any reasons to be afraid. his responses to my behavior, both good and bad, have been exceedingly appropriate, given the nature of our relationship. he's never given me cause to think his reaction will be "too much", or that he will ignore something either positive or negative that i have done.

but i am afraid. i don't clearly understand why, but it is also an integral part of the dynamic, and i know it simply wouldn't work without it.