enough, already

i'm finally seeing the tail end of the cyclonic drama of the last week. it started somewhere around here, and finally this morning ended after this. a roller coaster of a week, and as my loveys keep pointing out to me, still worth the ride.

in order to get rid of the fog of metaphor that's surrounding my blog these days, here's the deal: my contract ends in March, and in anticipation of that event, i've been struggling to not start making decisions now, for later. i'm not alone in this; my dominant has his own issues to deal with about it, so i've got company in the struggle, but we've been spending so much time working at not discussing it that it's completely gotten in the way of the relationship itself. which - sucks. for everyone.

yes, there were triggers. expected and unexpected. but this is not about triggers, this is about something wholly separate and beautiful and right, and right now. this is about those small moments when i am little and he is big and the world stops shifting long enough for us both to find our balance with each other, even if it's just for a little while, or a little while longer.

a resolution this morning came, finally. a directive that should have been given much earlier, but whenever it came, it solved the problem. just that easily. and as he was saying it, before he had completed his sentence, i knew it was right, that it was the end of the cyclone of anxiety and (bad) pain i couldn't escape. it's not important what the solution was, other than the fact that it happened. his control, his direction, his choice. not mine. done.

when you are, at heart, a slave, it's very hard to function in a way that makes you make choices, especially the very difficult ones. we walk a tightrope - on one side, society telling you that you must not be dependent, you must be a strong woman, making choices and behaving in a way that does not belittle womankind. and on the other, a desperate unending need to have all of that simply taken away.

i was in a place of many, many hundreds of doors called options. i was spinning in circles, unable to choose and cycling through anxiety and pain and humiliation in a way i couldn't escape. by the time his directive was made, i was so far past being able to make a decision, a choice, i had lost almost all perspective on the actual events that had led me to that place at all.

once the directive was given - walk through that door, that one right there. go in. now. - and i was through the door, all of that cycling was over with. immediately.

but that's what it's like to need it.