here's what gets me.

what gets me every time is the realization that i'm not done yet. i keep expecting some kind of vague - disillusionment, or boredom, or frustration to sneak up behind me and overwhelm the sense of satisfaction my life has taken on, recently.

even with all the bad stuff. even with that.

i was talking to someone the other day about why i am involved in a bdsm community. i always have been, since i've been involved in bdsm for most of my adulthood. certainly a community isn't necessary to do bdsm, and certainly the advent of the internet lessened the need for people to find each other in the flesh. but i continue to contribute to a community, even if it's simply by showing up to events rather than volunteering more of my time, because i know that when i needed one, when i was first looking for perverts like me, a community existed for me to be welcomed into. it literally, saved my life. so, if means that once every few months i show up at a dinner, a party, i pay a fee, i write a web post, or something, it's important to me as a citizen of the world to contribute.

i keep expecting to not need it. as long as i've been doing this, i keep expecting to have this need to be pushed, forced, further, to go away. i tried going vanilla for a while, even, to my own and my (then)partner's great dissatisfaction.

but i cannot escape the fact that i am indeed a healthier, happier person when i am under someone else's control.

what makes this healthy is that this realization gives me the strength i'd need to do it on my own, control my own life, if i had to. because shit happens, you know? and i may end up on the curb, on my own after all - it's happened before.

i've said it before, but it's worth repeating: no matter what happens, no matter where we end up with this and who we end up becoming or not becoming for each other, i will always be grateful to you for letting me - become.