my reasons for blogging include everything from exhibitionism to curiosity to technogeekhood. but those are entirely different reasons than why i write, and why i write what i write about.
i'm tired. i'm drained from being on my guard in public. like everyone else, i have a lot to protect, so i'm hyper-conscious of that, and often rewrite pieces because of it. self-censoring, i suppose. there are no directives from my dominant regarding my writing, although it's certainly within his power to give them. in a way, it's another example of how freedom of choice can actually be a burden. the choices i make about my writing are sometimes challenges, but for the most part, ones i welcome. over the course of the past few years i've maintained somewhere near five separate blogs, participated in any number of blogging communities, and three email accounts simultaneously, creating a great deal of work for my dominant, who likes to keep tabs on it all.
in the last few months i've become very focused, on what i write about, and which other blogs i read. i'm slowly pulling away from some, gravitating towards others, as my definitions of who i am and what i want in my life are clearer.
i'm very particular about the words i use when i write, and i'm increasingly particular about the words i read. maybe i'm being selfish. but i'm realizing that the folks i love to read most are the ones that have something to say that's relevant to my life. i've cut out the ones that don't - some by my own choice, and some by his; there are some i've read that are disturbing enough that they become obstacles.
isolating? maybe. but that's part of being in control - whether it's under your own steam, or someone else's.
2 comments:
your reasons for reading others is why i read yours, and i share in that isolating of my own self too. i feel, that i'm someone else's property, and therefor my actions are reflectant, and i don't feel right about doing some things because of that. The way i present myself in online communication has changed diametricaly since i gave myself up.
I know what you mean about feeling the need to censor yourself from time to time... Often times I start posting only to stop and swap to emailing it or writing it specifically to my Sir. The other day I posted a whole entry got all the way to work and then turned around and called him begging him to remove it from my blog because I felt far too exposed. I read because I want to feel like Im not a lone. That others feel what I feel - that its "normal" and see how the overcome things... its a learning aid for me really. Plus I can't deny that I can be quite the voyeur ;)
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