the idea of having to make choices i haven't made in months kind of freaks me out. little things, like where to go for dinner, whether or not to have dessert or masturbate or even sit down on a chair, become waaaay more important than they ever have. i didn't blink when i gave them up, and now i'm swallowing hard upon the realization that in a week or so i'll have to do that again.
have to.
see, that's the weird part. i can intellectually realize that i'm meant for this, that i've never been more comfortable with myself and the world around me. but to take a step backwards and examine it and say yes, i don't want it back the other way, is disturbing. as part of the excercise, i will most likely pick the dinner location, the menu, and even when i will excuse myself to the restroom by my own choice, along with what color lipstick. maybe i'll even wear pants.
but maybe i'll wait for him to choose. maybe i won't have dessert. maybe i'll wear a pretty skirt and my hair down.
because i'm not sure i remember how to do otherwise.
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I rarely comment these past few months, mostly because I have no idea what to say. I don't think I ever will.
As far as I can tell you found fulfillment.
I'm enjoying reading about it. =)
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