history

i'm uncomfortable writing this. but i don't really know what else to do with this....thing. i've been holding it in my hands for a few days now, distastefully, and i can't put it down. so it goes here.

i do not have an abusive past.

well, to clarify - i've lived through serious physical abuse (and you can be damned sure i'm clear about the difference between bdsm - even the 'nonconsensual consensual' version - and abuse). i'm not proud of all the choices i've made, but i can daily remind myself that i am joyful in the life i have chosen. because sometimes it's easier to feel joyful when reminded of the opposite.

but. my childhood? mostly fine. i have the usual complaints about neurotic parents and a few touchy father-daughter moments that i can point to as significant moments in my sexual awakening that potentially contributed to my twisty-turny perverted sexuality. but there's nothing that indicates a straight line to where i am now. i was not abused, physically, emotionally, sexually, as a child, adolescent, or teenager.

believe me, i've thought about it.

so many women. so many girls, and boys, have this in their history. for some reason, it seems prevalent in the bdsm community - or maybe we just talk about it more. and specifically the women submissives/slaves/whatevers i meet that "play" at an intensity level i am familiar with, have a personal history that makes my stomach clench. it occasionally makes me sick to my stomach to recognize that some of my fetishes and perversities are things that actually happened to people, children even, non-consensually. how does one reconcile that? it got to the point where i even at one point wished it had happened to me, so i would at least have a reason for all this darkness and shit in my head.

but i don't. so it means i am left with a painful acknowledgement that i am, truly, wired for perversion. what i am aroused by, what sinks through my brain in a erotic fog with obsessive qualities and quantities is twisted. there is no reason for it. there is no justification.

i'm still working on accepting that.