little monster

"...she says a girl needs a gun these days
on account of all the rattlesnakes..."

-lloyd cole

i'm on the edge of violence. i talk a lot these days about peace, love, and understanding. but don't get me at all wrong - it still takes work to snuff out the rage i know still lives inside me. i want to fight back, snap coldly, sometimes simply to show that i can. that part didn't disappear - it's just that i found something worth more. yes, i made a choice, and there are days i wonder if my infamous temper can actually hold itself still against his will if it came to it.

he's never seen it. ever.

oh, he's seen sparks and flashes. his flatly and coldly stated expectations and unspoken clouds of disappointment usually have the effect of a cold bucket of water thrown on me. i am embarrassed about my temper, and yet i carry the vicious secret of it around in my back pocket.

my temper is not a game. not something i can eroticize (unlike his temper). i know if it comes out, the little monster it is would ruin me and everything i've worked towards. i know that if he cannot break it, it would break me.

i can't depend on him for this.