nervous. mostly rambling.

not scared.

the coordination and logistics of "alone time" have actually come through, and there will be three whole days of it. in the early days when we first met, the time we had was sporadic but intense, and in the interim become something like a well-oiled machine of service, obedience, and a lot of laughing. a lot of pain, a lot of growth, too, but isn't that the way life is supposed to go?

anyway. it's been a while since there was this much time with zero interruptions and i don't think ever with the newer protocols in place, since our contract ended. the contract has not been renewed, but it isn't really necessary, is it. what it is, just is. and if it isn't anymore one day, then it seems like it would be obvious. i think i might have missed the ritualistic formality we had when we signed the contract last time, except that i just don't need it. nice, but not needed.

long weeks of busy busy busy, and the primary directive of standing on my own two feet for a while. much easier to do when he says that, instead of trying to assume because i'm always fucked if i assume things. i get dizzy, wondering if this time i won't be able to handle it, whether i'll break and everything will break and i'll be done and someone will have to pick up the pieces. i'm obsessing about his knife marks, whether they'll turn out to be permanent after all. i don't bruise easily, and when i do it heals motherfuckingtoofast, but split skin and it's months if not years of a visual reminder.

months if not years of a reminder. and i wonder if i can handle that.

no, not scared, because scared implies i have no idea what to expect. nervous because i know the range of things that could, and probably will, happen. i have never before met a man who says what he means and does what he says.

see you at the other end, have a good weekend.