trigger

it's been a week of discovery. unexpectedly, so the impacts are somewhat more powerful.

i'm a relatively placid person, nowadays. i have occasional moodswings, but nothing like how i used to be. i suppose you could say that i've found some peace, and balance. i'm healthier in mind and body than i've ever been, i think, and a lot of that comes from being a fastidious member of the cult of truth. i don't lie - to myself, or anyone else. that's not to say i'm perfect, but that when i know in my guts something is true, i won't push it away into a closet.

i've long since come to terms with my sexuality - at least as much as i'm able. i've been bashing away at various versions of bdsm for (jeebus) 16 years now. in public and private. i'm familiar with the "kink aware professionals" list, i carry a leather pride flag on my keychain, and the few vanilla friends i've got left are well aware of who i am and what i do.

when it was intimated today that perhaps i had something to be shameful of (not by any of my loved ones, you can be sure), i freaked out. reacted in a way that was inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely unhelpful to an already-difficult situation.

that, i am ashamed of.

lesson learned. trigger noticed. defensive attitude adjustment upcoming.