"Codependence: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person."
- Merriam-Webster Dictionary
I was in the Denver airport when I let go.
People swirling around, the loudspeaker blasting static and information about a further delay, the crackle of someone's chip bag on the ground. I had spent the previous day fretting about how to make everyone happy, how to make it work somehow. And I just got so tired of thinking about all the reasons why to do and why not to do it, and I had a moment of clarity that said just stop. Just stop fretting.
It's not so easy for those of us with odd psychology to let things go. I have always been in non-egalitarian relationships, so I'm not always sure when something is D/s related and when it's just related to loving someone in general.
It's not always sexy, BDSM. I'm no elitist claiming that my lifestyle is better or more fulfilling than any other version of BDSM, or of a vanilla life. I often wonder if, if I could choose, would I choose this way to be? I don't know. The definition of codependency leaves me chilled - it's right, but it isn't. It it a choice, or isn't it. I have a friend who is deeply involved in BDSM, but gave it up for years, hoping that the need would evaporate or be overcome like a drug addiction. It didn't work. I don't hate this part of myself, not anymore. But I absolutely need to make peace with it, all of it. I'm using all of the slack he's giving me to come to terms with everything, because the connection, the leash back to him, is what makes all of this have meaning. I can do it alone, but I don't want to.
I may not have many choices about my autonomy now, but I.Chose.You. And I still do.
Photo of Ute Mountain's Chimney Rock, Ute Tribal Nation.
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