trust

the house is scrubbed clean, windexed, disinfected and soaped. wiped. scraped, even.

i would rather be doing this at his house. it would center me, i think. but my house needs it, so it's getting done. three times i found myself barefoot and staring off into the sunshine, wondering. clamping down on the freezing panic inside, because worrying is pointless, you know.

"i am cautiously optimistic," i said this morning.

i don't know how to do anything except obey, with you. sometimes that tears me.