waffle

when i try to rationalize something because i am told to make sense of it, absorb it, become it, and it is not easy, i feel stretched between two polar opposites. physically. until i snap towards the right pole, the one of obedience.

i don't always agree with everything my owner says. whether it's about me, someone else, something i'm told to do, a perspective, whatever. as much as i like to de-humanize and objectify and reduce my sense of self, i can't obliterate it completely, because i am, after all, a human. not a cow, or a table, or a smiling robot. i don't harbor resentment about these things, but it's at these times, in these particularly difficult moments, that i resort to my submission, my obligations, as a reason.

something that might normally cause me unhappiness and displeasure and even occasional wretchedness turns into a success story, because i can overcome it and call it submission. i have a *reason* for doing it, for muddling through things that make me unhappy. there's no rationalization for that, really. other than i've become habitualized to know that obeying, submitting, ultimately has a reward of happiness in and of itself at the end.

maybe that's what it's like to have faith in god.

okay, i'm also running a high fever, so if this is a bit delirious, i apologize. all i'm trying to say is that i gotta do something i'm not thrilled about doing, and if i wasn't obligated to make him happy and keep things smoothed out, i'd object. i haven't even brought it up, because i know it's pointless - and that's ok. which i find surprising, even to a hard core s-type like myself.