allusions

i've alluded to this a few times before, about my understanding of my own masochism, both physical and emotional. two very separate topics, as it turns out, so i'm starting with the easier - the physical. Raven Kaldera's book "Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path" basically breaks it down into three different reasons, or rather, motivators, for masochism:

1. the body's need and ability to release out if itself via endorphins or other physiological reactions, and then it's ability to return back into itself. otherwise known as "out of body experiences by way of pain".
2. an individual's need to press themselves with endurance, self-strengthening.
3. an individual's need to experience pain as a service to a sadist.

i've done my time as a sensation-play masochist, and i gotta tell you, it did very little for me. i suppose i could, if i felt like it, consider myself now a sensation-play sadist (not dominant), but i'm not all that interested in pain for sensation's sake. at least, i don't get wet from it.

and strength building? i don't need to prove how strong i am, how much i can take, to make myself feel better. just not the way i'm wired - that's not proof to me.

but that third one, well, got under my skin (all puns intended). because that's fucking exactly why i do this bizarre edgeplay fucked up stuff. exactly.

so maybe i'm not actually masochistic at all - just submissive.