dance like no one is watching

"...she is a dancer
when she dances she is free
free in the moment
and clouds rise in the east
to Frank Sinatra
which your parents put on repeat
on repeat..."

-emily jane white

this started out as a piece about sacred whores. but instead it's about freedoms lost and gained and found and lost again and reclaimed.

i used to dance, when i was younger. i was one of those wishful ballerinas, white and dark and always looking at the floor to find my place. i didn't find comfort in the discipline of the rehearsal room, but in the blood found in my shoes when i was done. there was a reason for it, the pain and the sweat and the failings. and reasons for things were what i lived for. i still do. later, i would find myself in the middle of the night dancing in clubs high on whatever could be found and a straining violin above the electric noise.

if given freedom, if it is forced upon me, i'll dance.

my new theme song

"Got my window open wide
Got my window open wide
Got a good woman by my side
Got a good woman by my side

Now this kind of day
Has no night
This kind of day
Has no night
Ain't got much on my mind
Ain't got much on my mind

'Cause I know
Something good this way comes

Now watching the streets
Filling up
Watching the streets filling up
In the shade of the summer sun
In the shade of the summer sun

Got sweet apple pie on the stove
Got sweet apple pie on the stove
The birds they're all flyin' low
The birds they're all flyin' low

'Cause they know
Something good this way comes

The trouble, doll
Is not moving mountains, but
Digging the ground that you're on
If it's true
That good fortune gives no chase
We got just what it takes

Collar up on my coat
Collar up on my coat
Trucks are pullin'
In for the show
Trucks are pullin'
In for the show

Grasshopper jump in the road
Grasshopper jump in the road
Kids they're all running home
The kids
They're all running home

'Cause they know
Something good this way comes
Yeah
Something good this way comes

The trouble, doll
Is not moving mountains, but
Digging the ground
That you're on
If it's true
That good fortune
Gives no chase
We got just what it takes
Got my window open wide
Got my window open wide
Got a good woman by my side
Got a good woman by my side

'Cause I know
Something good this way comes..."

-jakob dylan

photo credit to "mandy" in picasaweb.

missteps and recoveries

"It's bad timing and me
We find a lot of things out this way
And there's you
A little black cloud in a dress

The temptation
To take the precious things we have apart
To see how they work
Must be resisted for they never fit together again
If this is rain let it fall on me and drown me
If these are tears let them fall

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

It took a short walk and a talk
To change the rules of engagement
While you searched frantically for reverse
and them claiming
That virtue never tested is no virtue at all
And so I lost my ignorance
And now the bells across the river chime out your name
I look across to them again

All your friends said come down
It will never fly
And on that imperfect day
We threw it all away
Crisis after crisis, with such intensity
This would never happen if we lived by the sea

Most important decisions in life
Are made between two people in bed
I found that out at my expense
And when I see you
You just turn around and walk away like we never met
Oh we used to be so brave
I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill
I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real..."

-Billy Bragg

ocean

i had a sudden moment of missing the ocean. i missed the smell so badly all of a sudden i could taste the tang inside my nose despite seeing only birch trees and tadpoles in the small stream. i suddenly missed the moment when you sit there on the beach and realize the world is as big as it is and there is no controlling it or anything in your life so just let it happen.

sometimes you hear words over and over again and they mean only one thing. the fact that this is not about what i want, and that it somehow *is* what i want gets mixed up until it's the same thing - what i want and what i don't, in a big tangled ball of need. but then in a small tiny second or two it means something else entirely. it means i will always have what i want, and i never will.

being a slave means that i will always have what i want, and i never will have what i want.

can i ride the tides of that?

i don't have a choice in this, any more than anything else. i'm helpless and overwhelmed by too many facts of life, too many observations.

"Love and a dress that you made
long to hide your knees
love to say this to your face,
"I'll love you only"
for your days and excitement,
what will you keep for to wear?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say
love to say this in your ear,
"I'll love you that way"
from your changing contentments,
what will you choose for to share?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?..."

-iron and wine

what i'm talking about

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

-alanis

(and no weird comments about the masochism line. you know what she means.)

when i get lost

here's where i go. follow the footprints. come find me and take me home.

_luminol_

Nobody with no one to call
And all this time
Hot metal as her clothes dissolve
Emergency lights
It's genocide
It's sucide

I'm spinning around the room in awe
I'm spinning around the room

I'm floating through a room of halls
Partytime
Stops breathing like a china doll
And broken eyes
It's genocide
Suicide

I'm spinning around the room in awe
All bloody in the luminol
I'm spinning around the room in awe
In awe

Save my life...
Say my name

It's genocide
It's suicide

I'm floating through a room of halls
All bloody in the luminol
I'm spinning around the room in awe
In awe
And on and on and on

-Ryan Adams

the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

-leonard cohen

babelogue

I haven't fucked much with the past, but I've fucked plenty with the future.
Over the skin of silk are scars from the splinters of stations and walls Ive caressed.
A stage is like each bolt of wood, like a log of Helen, is my pleasure.
I would measure the success of a night by the way by the way by the amount of piss and seed I could exude over the columns that nestled the p.a.
Some nights I'd surprise everybody by skipping off with a skirt of green net sewed over with flat metallic circles which dazzled and flashed.
The lights were violet and white. I had an ornamental veil, but I couldn't bear to use it.
When my hair was cropped, I craved covering, but now my hair itself is a veil, and the scalp inside is a scalp of a crazy and sleepy comanche lies beneath this netting of the skin.
I wake up. I am lying peacefully I am lying peacefully and my knees are open to the sun.
I desire him, and he is absolutely ready to seize me. in heart I am a moslem; in heart I am an american;
In heart I am moslem, in heart I'm an american artist, and I have no guilt.
I seek pleasure. I seek the nerves under your skin.
The narrow archway; the layers; the scroll of ancient lettuce.
We worship the flaw, the belly, the belly, the mole on the belly of an exquisite whore.
He spared the child and spoiled the rod. I have not sold myself to god.

- Patti Smith

what's inside

"...she's the beat of my heart
she's the sound of a gun..."

- Grace Potter & the Nocturnals

you're a wolf

“The one that you are looking for, you’re not gonna find her here.”
“The one that you are looking for, you’re not gonna find her here, here.”

Old gypsy woman spoke to me, said, “You’re a wolf, boy, get out of this town.”
Old gypsy woman spoke to me, said, “You’re a wolf, boy, get out of this town.”
“You’re a wolf, boy, get out of this town.”
“You’re a wolf, boy, get out of this town.”
“You’re a wolf.”
“You’re a wolf.”
“You’re a wolf.”
“You’re a wolf.”

- Sea Wolf