and to what end?

every once in a while, i get to be someone's sounding board. i've been involved in bdsm most of my adult life, so i've seen quite a bit - a lot of relationships that succeeded, and a lot of them that failed, including a few of my own. a friend was discussing some negotiation points with me, and we came up with a good way to discern what was going on-

is your goal in this relationship *in*dependence, or dependence?

i've come along far enough on my path to see the value of the latter. i didn't always. i don't remember a time before this that i could imagine that a goal of a relationship was dependence on someone else. it goes against the grain of what we're taught to be as children - seeking our strength from within, rather than external. i've been around unhealthy codependent people enough to understand how dependency on another person can go horribly, horribly wrong.

we talk a lot in the bdsm community about how the best of D/s relationships are meant to foster a strength in the submissive/slave (as well as the D/M, but i guess that's implied in the dynamic). during my contracted D/s relationship with D, there was always the background knowledge that at the conclusion of the contract, i was hoping to be stronger, more independent, more self-reliant than when i started.

i wasn't.

in fact, while the goal (maybe not one i mentioned to him, but oh well) was independence, the complete opposite happened: a shocking dependency on his input, decision-making, authority, approval, happiness, or discipline.

and yet, here i am - stronger and happier. and dependent.

thanks

thanks to everyone who's expressed one of the following: concern, appreciation, sympathy, love, or just plain nosy curiosity. it's appreciated.

trust

the house is scrubbed clean, windexed, disinfected and soaped. wiped. scraped, even.

i would rather be doing this at his house. it would center me, i think. but my house needs it, so it's getting done. three times i found myself barefoot and staring off into the sunshine, wondering. clamping down on the freezing panic inside, because worrying is pointless, you know.

"i am cautiously optimistic," i said this morning.

i don't know how to do anything except obey, with you. sometimes that tears me.

10 things i learned so far

1. that i mean it when i say it.
2. it's not so easy to say it in the first place, so i'd better think carefully first. leading to...
3. think before i speak. loose lips sink - subs.
4. labels suck, and i don't care what you think i am (or not). it only matters what he thinks, and what i think. rest of y'all can eat my dust, i'm not waiting for you to catch up.
5. the things i don't want to do are what i consider edge play for me. they may be tiny things to anyone else, but that's where he pushes my so-called limits.
6. i will not go backwards.
7.pain does not make me wet. submitting does.
8. love came secondarily, not primarily, and that's ok. love as an afterthought isn't such a bad thing.
9. love is not a guarantee or a promise. it just - is.
10. i'm stronger than anyone realizes. except him, maybe. he realizes it. now i realize it.

opportunity knocks

the idea of having to make choices i haven't made in months kind of freaks me out. little things, like where to go for dinner, whether or not to have dessert or masturbate or even sit down on a chair, become waaaay more important than they ever have. i didn't blink when i gave them up, and now i'm swallowing hard upon the realization that in a week or so i'll have to do that again.

have to.

see, that's the weird part. i can intellectually realize that i'm meant for this, that i've never been more comfortable with myself and the world around me. but to take a step backwards and examine it and say yes, i don't want it back the other way, is disturbing. as part of the excercise, i will most likely pick the dinner location, the menu, and even when i will excuse myself to the restroom by my own choice, along with what color lipstick. maybe i'll even wear pants.

but maybe i'll wait for him to choose. maybe i won't have dessert. maybe i'll wear a pretty skirt and my hair down.

because i'm not sure i remember how to do otherwise.

i may know the word

"...I may know the word
but not say it
I may know the truth
but not face it..."

-natalie merchant

the words that are left unsaid, the ones half spoken and kept quiet on your lips, on mine.

so we wait.

the problem with blogging and other rambles

the problem with blogging is that it is not a diary.

i go from opposite to polar opposite. i need someone/i do not need anyone. i want to tell the world/i want to hide from it. i am obligated to tell him everything/to tell him would be to defy him. i understand his goals for me/i have no fucking clue where we're going. i don't want to feel awful/i've eroticized emotional pain.

am i the classic doormat for accepting and encouraging a situation that most of the world would view as damaging? no - i'm not questioning my labels anymore, i'm just saying. how far is too far?

it all comes down to determining what it is that i want. i slapped myself in the face today (theoretically) for not understanding something very basic about my own needs, short and long term.

i need a best friend.

the world in and of itself is a very isolating place. when you narrow down to "people who's lives are somewhat similar to mine", i'm left with a group of bdsm'ers that i usually have little in common with otherwise. narrow it down further to bdsm'ers that focus on the M/s dynamic, and the group gets pretty damned small. and it's heartbreaking to realize that some of the folks i'd have gotten along with because of that don't fit with other parts of my life so well, so it's often a lost cause.

bdsm, and specifically the M/s lifestyle, is the defining aspect of my life - there, i said it. so it then becomes the first thing i look for in a friend. how joyful and gratifying it would be to have your companion be your best friend, with the same inherent defining core.

the rest of it is just trappings.

push

triggered by kitty's post a 'me' post... i'm not a slave....

just another demarcation point. life's a changin', and i'm while i'm not dreading the next part as the term end of my contract approaches, i'm almost high with anticipation about it, and we're pushing edges almost daily. is this why they call it a fever pitch?

i spent over 15 years firmly in the land of submission with an occasional side dish of bisexual sadism.

i fought it, and fought it, and fought it, until one sentence this past year from someone i trust just about more than almost anyone else brought it all crumbling down.

yes, i am a slave. i know, now, that the reason i've been struggling in relationships for as long as i have is because i was unwilling to acknowledge this. so i suppose the answer to your question is no, i can't change that. i've tried, and failed miserably.

i know that who and what i am is unusual, and to some, even, unacceptable, dangerous, immoral and pathological. but i've never been happier in my entire life than with this realization. it's not right for everyone, and honestly - if i'd had had a choice about it, i'm not sure i'd have chosen it - it's a hard path. but it's mine.

today, i am happy.

things that made me happy today:

- you were here.
- a song, a good song, got sung.
- two pots of coffee to share.
- the memory of a raspberry kiss that left me gasping.
- harsh cane marks glowing on my thighs.
- the preview you gave me, a tiny treat of a cookie crumb that sweetened me.

just a few days ago, i had started placing a few tentative bricks to start my wall going up, the wall of self-protection that i may need shortly. with a few stinging commands and the look of happiness i saw reflected in your face from my own, the bricks got knocked off.

no filters.

discipline

Dis·ci·pline:
1. training to act in accordance with rules;
2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill;
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training;
4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.;
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control;
6. a set or system of rules and regulations;
7. Ecclesiastical. the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine;
8. an instrument of punishment, esp. a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.

Dis·ci·ple: a person who is a pupil or an adherent of the doctrines of another; follower.

Ad·her·ent: bound by contract or other formal agreement.


it all sounds so very clinical.

all i know is this: the resolution of the cane, the closure of the whip, and the reinforcement of my place.

enough, already

i'm finally seeing the tail end of the cyclonic drama of the last week. it started somewhere around here, and finally this morning ended after this. a roller coaster of a week, and as my loveys keep pointing out to me, still worth the ride.

in order to get rid of the fog of metaphor that's surrounding my blog these days, here's the deal: my contract ends in March, and in anticipation of that event, i've been struggling to not start making decisions now, for later. i'm not alone in this; my dominant has his own issues to deal with about it, so i've got company in the struggle, but we've been spending so much time working at not discussing it that it's completely gotten in the way of the relationship itself. which - sucks. for everyone.

yes, there were triggers. expected and unexpected. but this is not about triggers, this is about something wholly separate and beautiful and right, and right now. this is about those small moments when i am little and he is big and the world stops shifting long enough for us both to find our balance with each other, even if it's just for a little while, or a little while longer.

a resolution this morning came, finally. a directive that should have been given much earlier, but whenever it came, it solved the problem. just that easily. and as he was saying it, before he had completed his sentence, i knew it was right, that it was the end of the cyclone of anxiety and (bad) pain i couldn't escape. it's not important what the solution was, other than the fact that it happened. his control, his direction, his choice. not mine. done.

when you are, at heart, a slave, it's very hard to function in a way that makes you make choices, especially the very difficult ones. we walk a tightrope - on one side, society telling you that you must not be dependent, you must be a strong woman, making choices and behaving in a way that does not belittle womankind. and on the other, a desperate unending need to have all of that simply taken away.

i was in a place of many, many hundreds of doors called options. i was spinning in circles, unable to choose and cycling through anxiety and pain and humiliation in a way i couldn't escape. by the time his directive was made, i was so far past being able to make a decision, a choice, i had lost almost all perspective on the actual events that had led me to that place at all.

once the directive was given - walk through that door, that one right there. go in. now. - and i was through the door, all of that cycling was over with. immediately.

but that's what it's like to need it.

what do you owe me?

one of the very fine lines i walk with all this is my sense of what my dominant owes me. i don't mean in the literal sense - the terms of our relationship and contract are fairly explicit - he doesn't owe me a damned thing. my rights are pretty damned close to zero, and a phrase often-heard in these parts is "i take what you give me, and i'm grateful for it."

okay, so that being said, whether it's strictly interpreted or not, i occasionally slip into thinking that what he owes me comes down to my own expectations. and here's where i struggle.

my dominant is a very, very consistent individual. he is what he says he is, and his behavior has been entirely consistent with what he articulates as his belief system. that doesn't disallow for flexibility and change and growth for him as an individual. what i've come to expect from him is the consistent behavior and decision making paths i've seen for a while now.

to give credit where it's due, he's the one that has explained the need for a dominant to exhibit consistent behavior. ultimately it doesn't matter what that behavior is as long as it's consistent. constantly changing your mind or being indecisive is a very hard thing to submit to. it's not impossible, but very, very difficult.

the line i walk is this: my expectations of who you are, what i can interpret your dominance to be "like", and the decisions that you make, do not entitle me to being owed that same behavior. you don't owe me anything - and i have to carefully balance out the difference between expecting something and it being my "due" - it's not the same thing.

care and feeding, revisit

Quoting R100Rider,from a comment in the post attitude adjusted: "Bless your heart. I don't think I could do anything more than casual play without at least a grain of love involved. I couldn't trust someone that much."

I started writing the response to this there, but it deserves it's own post.

this makes me wonder if i've mis-portrayed the relationship i'm referring to. i don't think i said there was no love involved, but that he is not my "lover", or my boyfriend. i think there are ways to give and show love that are not within the realms of those two kinds of relationships. for example, love for a family member.

in this relationship there is an *incredible* amount of trust. affection, too. in fact, my struggle with this has not been around whether or not i'm getting enough care from him, but around how that can co-exist with the fact that i am also his posession, and don't always have the permissions and freedoms to make the choices i would make under my own steam. but the point, i suppose, is that whatever "care and feeding" (or love, depending on how you phrase it) that comes from my Dominant is what he chooses to give me. He's not obligated to *love* me, any more than i am obligated to *love* him. that's not part of the contract. it's not the primary reason we're doing this - that comes from a very, very deep need and pull that exists inside both of us.

but what *is* there is a mention of the fact that we continue to maintain a true, honest friendship throughout the term of service. and maintaining a friendship does, in my belief system, involve some level of care.

that's not the kind of love we associate with match dot com or somesuch, but it's there.

yeah, it's complicated.

but also part of the point of this is exploration, and i like to challenge my notions of what i thought i believed, what i'm able to do. an adventure with a *lot* of risk, i'm aware, but then again i've never been one to pull punches, even on myself.

thanks for the thought generator.

attitude adjusted

james: "are you willing to suck cock whenever, wherever?"
madison: "yes, sir."
james: "anyone's cock, not just mine?"
madison: "yes, sir."
james: "are you willing to give me up as a lover to be my servant?"
madison: silence

it took a longer time than i expected for madison young to acquiesce. it was a reminder, watching the defining moment for a relationship's transition.

those of us who choose to design our relationships based on a power dynamic can only rely on each other for the sense of "right" about it. each of us is unique in our witches' brew of personality, chemistry, and kink, so the nature of each relationship is different and unique as well. even power-aware relationships are not the same as each other. making the choice to live *this* way is so different from what we're raised to do, how we see it in generalized society, we have only each other to rely on. so it's very affirming for me to see the intimate act of someone making a similar choice as myself, no matter how different we are as individuals. i question it, sometimes, even knowing that it's probably not possible for me to live any other way.

yes, i know you are not my lover. you are not my boyfriend, you are my Dominant. this is what it is *now*, and i will continue to show my gratitude for the opportunity to serve you. *now*. here in the present.

collected

"...You try to fly, but you cannot fly
You try to hide, but I'm by your side
You run from me, run from me, run from me
I am the adversary
I am the adversary
I am the adversary
I am your foe I go where you go..."

- Crime & the City Solution

i once asked you if you would come collect me if i tried to exit.

yes, you answered.

it's a backwards way of feeling affection, i suppose. all our standard notions of what it means to to set something free, to let it live it's own life and destiny, fall short for this concept of ownership, don't they. we're supposed to give alive things their freedom, to not restrict their progress and fate. and yet here i am, setting up my life according to someone else's rules, pleasures, and tasks.

i don't know why the caged bird sings. i only know that with you looking over my shoulder, i am more confident, more assertive, more - myself. i doubt myself less when i know you are watching.

remember when

i showed up in high leather. skirt, boots, cleavage. lipstick. it took longer than i wanted. we reviewed the last pieces of information, side by side. i kept my boots on.

you had me read it aloud. i remember hesitating when i said your name. you urged me on quietly, reminding me it would most likely be the last time i had the freedom of saying it.

we printed it out. we looked it over, one more time.

you picked up an ink pen, and signed your name. you handed it to me. i think you said something about it being my last opportunity to turn back, but i'm no longer someone who second guesses myself, so i took then pen, leaned down over the paper, and signed.

i hadn't yet dropped the pen when your hand was around my throat, crushing me against the wall.