afterwards

i'm not a cuddler.

i'm not that interested in public displays of affection, or even private ones, particularly. i wonder sometimes if it's because my body is wired for a particular kind of physical attention, because more often than not what your average person would consider a pleasant affectionate touch is unpleasant and painful on my skin.

maybe painful isn't the right word, because when someone touches me gently it doesn't *hurt*. but under the wrong circumstances, i sometimes have an instantaneous reaction of extreme discomfort and sometimes close to rage. just the wiring, i guess.

one of the hardest things, one of the most submissive things i've done with D is coming to terms with his preference for physical affection. i'd even say i've come to enjoy it on most levels, because i've managed to categorize it as a submissive thing to do.

but what i can't handle on any level is the concept of "aftercare". when i am (no)thing (as slut on display would say) the last thing i want is to be brought back to being a thing of equality. the number of times i've begged both in my head and out loud "but i'm not done yet" is too high to count. i do not go in-and-out of my submission to D, it's where i live, who i am, and i do not want to be reminded that the option of being something else exists.

aftercare implies that something is over, and that it is now afterwards.

i don't want to be done yet.



image courtesy of eroto.com by R.C. Horsch, "eucharist"