the problem with blogging is that it is not a diary.
i go from opposite to polar opposite. i need someone/i do not need anyone. i want to tell the world/i want to hide from it. i am obligated to tell him everything/to tell him would be to defy him. i understand his goals for me/i have no fucking clue where we're going. i don't want to feel awful/i've eroticized emotional pain.
am i the classic doormat for accepting and encouraging a situation that most of the world would view as damaging? no - i'm not questioning my labels anymore, i'm just saying. how far is too far?
it all comes down to determining what it is that i want. i slapped myself in the face today (theoretically) for not understanding something very basic about my own needs, short and long term.
i need a best friend.
the world in and of itself is a very isolating place. when you narrow down to "people who's lives are somewhat similar to mine", i'm left with a group of bdsm'ers that i usually have little in common with otherwise. narrow it down further to bdsm'ers that focus on the M/s dynamic, and the group gets pretty damned small. and it's heartbreaking to realize that some of the folks i'd have gotten along with because of that don't fit with other parts of my life so well, so it's often a lost cause.
bdsm, and specifically the M/s lifestyle, is the defining aspect of my life - there, i said it. so it then becomes the first thing i look for in a friend. how joyful and gratifying it would be to have your companion be your best friend, with the same inherent defining core.
the rest of it is just trappings.
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2 comments:
You know what luna? i've read and re read your post and i just don't know what to say in response but this.... maybe when we connect to another person on a soul level the rest falls into place. With that kind of friendship we can love and celebrate our differences with as much joy as we can celebrate our similarities.
oh yet another post from you that mimicks my own life.
i know i put too many eggs in my Daddy, lover, family, best friend, but it's SO hard to find a friend that can relate to me and my needs and wants, i try, but just end up getting... i guess overwhelmed, with a need to share and confide and swap ancidotes with someone who knows a similar journey to mine... i realize it's a reason i tend to get so crazy...i am lacking the release that comes with a certain kind of friendship.
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