ocean

i had a sudden moment of missing the ocean. i missed the smell so badly all of a sudden i could taste the tang inside my nose despite seeing only birch trees and tadpoles in the small stream. i suddenly missed the moment when you sit there on the beach and realize the world is as big as it is and there is no controlling it or anything in your life so just let it happen.

sometimes you hear words over and over again and they mean only one thing. the fact that this is not about what i want, and that it somehow *is* what i want gets mixed up until it's the same thing - what i want and what i don't, in a big tangled ball of need. but then in a small tiny second or two it means something else entirely. it means i will always have what i want, and i never will.

being a slave means that i will always have what i want, and i never will have what i want.

can i ride the tides of that?

i don't have a choice in this, any more than anything else. i'm helpless and overwhelmed by too many facts of life, too many observations.

"Love and a dress that you made
long to hide your knees
love to say this to your face,
"I'll love you only"
for your days and excitement,
what will you keep for to wear?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say
love to say this in your ear,
"I'll love you that way"
from your changing contentments,
what will you choose for to share?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?..."

-iron and wine