and to what end?

every once in a while, i get to be someone's sounding board. i've been involved in bdsm most of my adult life, so i've seen quite a bit - a lot of relationships that succeeded, and a lot of them that failed, including a few of my own. a friend was discussing some negotiation points with me, and we came up with a good way to discern what was going on-

is your goal in this relationship *in*dependence, or dependence?

i've come along far enough on my path to see the value of the latter. i didn't always. i don't remember a time before this that i could imagine that a goal of a relationship was dependence on someone else. it goes against the grain of what we're taught to be as children - seeking our strength from within, rather than external. i've been around unhealthy codependent people enough to understand how dependency on another person can go horribly, horribly wrong.

we talk a lot in the bdsm community about how the best of D/s relationships are meant to foster a strength in the submissive/slave (as well as the D/M, but i guess that's implied in the dynamic). during my contracted D/s relationship with D, there was always the background knowledge that at the conclusion of the contract, i was hoping to be stronger, more independent, more self-reliant than when i started.

i wasn't.

in fact, while the goal (maybe not one i mentioned to him, but oh well) was independence, the complete opposite happened: a shocking dependency on his input, decision-making, authority, approval, happiness, or discipline.

and yet, here i am - stronger and happier. and dependent.