i wonder

most of my life i've been in love first with language. maybe it comes from being encouraged/forced through high school latin, but for whatever the cause, i eat words and sentences and paragraphs and plot lines up like sugary treats. men always came second to whatever book i happened to be reading. i've never gone so far as to depend on my writing or reading for a living, though. while i'm sincerely not opposed to prostitution of the body, i'm opposed to prostituting my first love. but i'm straying from my intended topic: doubt.

one of the challenges of having an unsuccessful love life in the past is one's lack of experience with extended relationships. i hesitate to call it "long term", and won't ever be able to call it "permanent", but it seems like D and i have passed through some relationship humps over the last year and are comfortable enough with what it is now to not at least constantly worry about the crash-and-burn potential for ending. well, at least i'm more comfortable.

i don't ever doubt that what i'm doing is "right", or "good" - i don't think either of those words even apply, because of the inherent value judgement made by using those words. and i don't doubt that the relationship is positive for me. i hope it's positive for him - it's one thing i *do* assume.

where does the doubt live, then? i doubt my ability to keep up. i doubt my ability to not falter, and rather to succeed. i doubt that i will always be as valuable as i am.

my only exit possibility, if i ever felt that i needed it, is to simply stop obeying. and even then, my owner has the right to come collect me from my disobedience.

so what am i doubting? that he would?

i have no intention of playing that possibility out on purpose, i should be clear. but i'm caught up in the definition the slave register puts out regarding what slavery is, about the relationship being one in which you cannot remove yourself. i'm wandering around in the limbo of the fact that i do not want to remove myself, but if it is never proven, am i never a slave?

i know. it doesn't matter, really.