desperation and a note

"Hello, hello... (Hola)
I'm at a place called Vertigo (dónde estás?)
It’s everything I wish I didn’t know
But you give me something...
I can feel..."

-U2, vertigo

a conversation the other day and the virtually simultaneous realization about the nature of chaos. i don't always succeed in pleasing you, and this leaves me spinning in my head wondering what move to make next to come back to balance.

this is what i wrote about childhood, and the implications of that within the adult bdsm context:

"the dynamics in my house growing up were confusing, to say the least. i was taught and told some things verbally ("be a strong capable woman!") that deeply conflicted with the actions i was shown. it wasn't necessarily a positive thing. in fact, what i ended up with was extremely confusing regarding who has power/when it should be exerted as an adult. in other words, nothing i was raised with has stuck beyond the expected arousal triggers and wiring, since nothing made sense as far as the power dynamics went.

i think i come to M/s out of a need for order in the midst of chaos, rather than a need to mimic a kind of relationship i saw or wanted as a child. M/s relationships are the only ones that are absolute (in my experience), and that's very comforting to someone who's childhood and examples were very chaotic and misery-making. the sexual part is probably both wiring and context. "

important stuff. at least to me.