choosy bitch

"do, or do not. there is no try."

-yoda

the nature of choice is a weird thing. i'm not so sure it's the same thing as free will. the concept of free will seems to imply that one is able to make any number of choices, from any number of options. in an M/s relationship one has choices. but not free will.

i can choose to obey, or not.

i can choose to sit down, take a breath, or wait until he begins eating before i do.

this isn't instinct, this is choice. maybe it's different when one is "internally enslaved", but since i'm not, currently, everything is a choice.

i'm a stubborn bitch, so i'm obedient. i'm hellbent and determined to make this dynamic work, so i... try? no, i choose.

every time i disobey, it's a choice. i know that. the choice isn't always based on the best intentions or motivations, and sometimes my reasons are stupid. once, i ate a scone, a sweet treat, when i was not supposed to. my owner was furious. when asked why i did it, i stammered something along the lines of "not thinking. don't know. just did it." and he rightfully pointed out the distruth of that - i was thinking, i just chose badly.

it's very trying.