Ship to Wreck

"We are lost, 

and into the breach, we got tossed, 

and the water is coming in fast 

And oh, my love, remind me 

What was it that I said? 

I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed 

And oh, my love, remind me What was it that I did? 

Did I drink too much, am I losing touch, 

Did I build this ship to wreck?" 

- Florence and the Machine 

An emotional masochist will seek out a situation in which they will get hurt. Them's a fact. 

Hard to say if I'm an emotional masochist. I know I don't want to be. Being a physical masochist is tough enough, adding to that intentional heartbreak makes it impossible. He tells me not to think about what happened, about how it all got shot to shit and close to ruined. He tells me those years were not a waste, that what we built during that time was valuable. Incredibly valuable. And that's true. But it's hard not to grieve the loss of time, of dynamic play, of - being new to each other. 

He hates the word "journey". It's so new-agey, and doesn't always mean what people think it means. So much has happened. And then now - a trigger got pulled, and it felt like a full bullet shot through us. What do you call that? Not a journey, then. 

What I said to her: 

Sometimes you need to smash things to put them back together. 

I can't tell you that I am not devastated. 

But that's not a bad thing.

I do not have control over this. 

I do not want to be a person who is not okay with this. 

What I said to Him: 

Take it. Take it back. Take *me* back, put me back where I belong. 

What I said to the other Him: 

I need to be decimated.