the angry 60 inch slave

"Six inches forward

and five inches back

I got a

I got an angry inch..."

- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

My owner does not play angry. Will not. That's healthy. I have a bad temper. Well, I have in the past, I'm not even sure whether it's considered bad now, because I've taken a lot of steps to make that not the case. But the word "temper" seems to imply that there are ups and downs, and isn't negative in it's explanation, it just *is*. 

I have a relationship with anger that sometimes gets the best of me - maybe that's the best way to phrase it. I never learned the skill of how to extract yourself from your own anger, so learning that as an adult obviously has it's challenges. But like many things, we sometimes eroticize and fetishize the things that are negative in our lives in a herculean effort to make them fit into our selves, and for me, anger is one of them. 

That makes it sound like I want him to be angry at me, and actually that's the opposite of what I want. I desperately do NOT want him to be angry at me. I'm not even sure that's a submissive thing, that's just a love thing. But I have met couples that seem to aim for anger and distrust as part of their couple dynamic, and that's definitely not what I want. The submissive part of me wants to always be a good girl, never a bad girl, and get pats on the head and ass for affection. But I'm human, and perfection is not an option, and given my personal history, I expected (and maybe wanted? unclear) an angry, hot headed, loose cannon reaction. Sometimes I want him to let loose his frustration and rage - it reminds me of Laura Antoniou's "grudge slave" concept. 

Last night, the most impactful, emotional, and real part of it was at the very end. I had done a *pretty good* job of following the orders I was given. Not perfectly, but I really did do my best. It wasn't good enough, and he slapped my face. Hard. I've mentioned that face slapping is definitely an edge play thing, and we had discussed exactly that. I told him that if he ever did it, I'd know exactly what it meant. I did know what it meant right then - that the risk of a handprint on my face for the public to see, it was important that *right now* I know that I was His property. Not a slave, not a submissive, a thing that had not performed as expected.  He wasn't angry, he was corrective. 

I needed that.