the dinner party

i was thinking about this. i think about this a lot. for many years.

in the cab on the way over, you touched my hair, my cheek, my lips. your eyes sparkle, and we're happy. we step out, and my hands smooth over my hips, my dress flaring out a little as i step lightly after you. you reach for my hand.

and pull me inside, saying hello to someone. you do not introduce me, although i get a quick assessing stare up and down. i'm shaken, a little bit by that. the hallway clears out, you're still talking to someone. i stand awkwardly, ignored. we're alone, in the hallway. and you stare at me, your smile gone, and pull me into what i think is a closet.

it's a bathroom. you force me down to my knees, in my pretty dress, pushing your fingers into my mouth, gagging me. the words come raining down, and then it's your cock, fucking my mouth, hard. quickly, you come, and you tell me to stand up, jerking me up and pulling me out the bathroom. i can feel my face, hot, burning, my lipstick smeared across my cheek, and i reach my fingers to smooth it, but before i can you grab my hand away, pulling me down the hallway.

and we walk into the party. you, neat. my hair disheveled, lipstick smeared, and stumbling. you drop my hand and head to the bar, and i stand alone. people are wandering around, some wondering who i am. most of them look at my face, catch my eye. some smile, mostly men. the women just look.

eventually, everyone sits down. i'm at your side, trying to gather myself. you haven't spoken to me, and when you voice comes, quietly in my ear, it shakes me.

"you look like a whore."

i look down at my napkin.

the dinner begins. i'm not aware of anyone staring at me until i look up. there's a woman down the table, her eyes caught by me, her wineglass in her hand. i catch her half way between a gasp and a smile. as that happens, i become slowly aware of you, speaking, at my side. you're not speaking to me. i try not to be obvious, i slowly turn to see who you're speaking to as you say "...in the bathroom. in the hall." and slowly chuckle. i can feel my face turn hot as i catch someone's eye, and look down at my napkin again. you don't look at me, but reach over and grab my thigh, as you continue speaking.

the sentences you're saying don't make sense at first, i do not understand the words. i begin to translate them into something i know via the other person's loud questions. the first one i only hear in pieces through the table talk. "...always? whenever you want?" and you're nodding at him. i feel sick - i realize as the woman slightly further down the table gasps lightly, what you're talking about.

i finally hear more of your words, as they sink through me. "...outside. the first time was hard. she didn't want to. i had to leash her." i can't catch my breath, and there's a lull in the conversation from the people you're speaking to. i finally hear a full question as the din gets quieter a little. "you make her fuck people? without asking? or anything? i don't believe that," from the woman who gasped. you push your fingers into the v between my legs firmly. "yes," you say with the grin i know means there's a long night ahead. "i do." finally, for the first time since we walked in, you look at me, and say "and i'll prove it."