an apology

"An apology pretends to cancel out whatever action, or in this case nonaction, caused injury or offense, but it doesn't carry the same significance or weight as the action or nonaction itself, not even close."

- Kate Christensen, "The Epicure's Lament"

i stared down my desire for an apology until i no longer needed it, or even wanted it. when i live in a world where action is louder than words, where what you do is more significant than anything i could say, or you could say, i can't expect an apology, especially where one is not obligated to do so.

why do we teach our children to apologize when they've done something wrong? they never mean it. it's never heartfelt, or genuine - at most, what we get is an acknowledgment that someone somewhere has determined that they cannot continue on their way until they pay this particular toll. they rarely understand why they're required to do so, and i'm not sure i get it either anymore. so much of what i do is outside of the norm, why should i play by the same rules at this, too?

i know that i am obligated to apologize when i have done something wrong. i know that you are not. i'm not sure what significance there is to the words coming out of my mouth, or not coming out of yours, if really what matters is what happened. i'd much rather say something like "i'll do my best to not let it happen again," rather than mutter some nonsense about guilt that i may or may not feel.

and what about you? yes, my feelings get hurt sometimes. i may be an objectified devoted human, but still human.

you are never required to apologize. and as usual, i watch your actions instead.