Belonging

"i tried to downplay it

with a bet about us

you said that

you'd take it

as long as as i could

i could not erase it..."

     -tori amos, 

It's a violation. I've already said as many no's as I can manage, but the pressure on my throat from the leash is preventing more than mostly squeaks. "No" is not a safeword, someone might say, but that's mostly irrelevant I'm thinking as this is happening because I don't actually have a safeword. My brain starts to go down the rabbit hole of what people will think when I write that but the relentless pounding in my asshole brings me back to part where I'm here again, with you, and you will not stop because of some sputtering from my mouth. Somewhere is the thought the reminder that anal sex is not supposed to hurt I read that somewhere and it made sense but I don't want it to not hurt I want it to hurt so much that it becomes nonsense. Another pull on the leash brings my head and back up taut and you're using it like a cowboy rides a pinpricked bull as I'm bucking trying to get away from the violation you're giving me. I asked for this. I know I did, even if I never said it. 

But asking doesn't mean I'll get it, or that I'll get anything. I know that, you've told me enough times that it's not up to me, none of it. You told me that the only people I will ever fuck again are people that you tell me to fuck. And that I will do it with an open eager mouth and a wet cunt. My agency is gone, my decision making sacrificed. "Authority transfer relationship" sounds correct and technical and is a polite way of saying I will never be independent again. I asked for this, even if I never said it. 

You relax your grip long enough to tell me quietly, in my ear: "This is what you are to me. Right here. This is who you are. Don't you ever fucking forget it."